Fatherhood-My Story

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Legitimacy of marriage and the legitimacy of the children born from them had remained vague for me. I had considered legitimated parents as the social norm but not anyone asked about their children so far. A friend told me he became the father of 5 when he wanted only two. He had the marriage certificate to prove as a father but the question I asked myself was what certificate he had to produce his other 3 when he indisputably did not want them. When the world was flattering on his new born son, the father knew himself it was a technical bastard. Elusiveness and not necessary truth, fading away without a notice to our conscience, we all love children and so did him.

When I finally got a certification from the court I was legally married. The line between making love and to become a father was very thin. To make love without understanding her need defeated the meaning of making love. It was a desire and impulse directed lust. As I thought deeper things started becoming hazy and obscured. I wanted to become a father, as simple as that, and I did not seek the professional guidance either.

I did not want her adapting to any contraceptives and neither had I liked using the latex too. It was the trust and integrity that kept our desire between us. Therefore, we did not worry on contacting any sexually transmitted diseases except on fulfillment of becoming parents when we wanted. She must conceive not from my lust but from my love. I felt the responsibility and with it the morality of fatherhood fell upon me.

I learnt that it was important to know your partner’s monthly period. A close monitoring revealed that I had on average 10 days in a month to become a father. When we were ready we chose any of these magical days and waited for the hospital results to come few weeks later.

Few weeks later, I waited in the car in the hospital parking space. Anxiety and excited I felt like waiting for an annual report card in the school. Today I was waiting for something special than any school report cards. I jumped out of the car when I saw her coming with a card in her hand. I wanted to rush to her and hear her say the news. A walk of few meters towards me was a walk of the life time. In her hand holds our dreams. The dream of becoming a father, the dream of seeing your own face, the dream of a continued legacy after I was gone, the dream of hearing your first voice, the dream of walking her down the park, the dream of…….

She was already near me. I took the card, read it positive and next I was holding my tears. I felt suddenly matured, protective, and a reason to live in a manner not like before.
I took her to a nearby monastery, prayed for us and with it promised to give up smoking and drinking forever.


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