Missing Her

Sunday, April 11, 2010

In life there are many incidents where you feel empty and hollow. Feeling emptiness and making you stranded, unable to take any step further has been one unwanted emotion I experienced so far. I don't know how I would justify naming this emotion but at least I would label it as missing than being dismayed. I find difficult to control myself when I miss someone from my life. There were many times I missed someone and I want to reflect one now.

Whoever said this, "Don't judge a book by its cover," had not been much different to me in any way. When my circle of friends called me a name that meant I possessed a heart of stone, I started to question myself and my existence and my flow of thoughts. I looked in the mirror and saw how grievous I was. There was not even the trail of line stretched to smile and smiling was what I did not do. Indeed, I concluded my friends called me by my appearance and saw a hope to remain in the circle but a sting of pain came to me when none understood who I really was.

Inside this serious-looking man has a heart as soft and gentle as mother's love.

When I fell in love for the first time I knew how to miss a person. I missed her in the evenings when I went from school; I missed her in my pillow when I felt difficult to sleep; I missed her when I read a fairytale; I missed her when I saw a movie of a hero meeting his lady; I missed her when I laughed with my friends. I missed her in my every beat and breath.

Winter vacation had been a difficult season for me when I had to dwell in my thoughts bringing her image as close and vivid as possible. She became my companion and we would talk of building our home, raising our kids, retiring from life and becoming the grandparents and great grandparents too.

I missed her when she left school for medical treatment. I saw her getting in the bus, her face turned pale and dark, and when she waved her hand to her friends I cried from the room that I furtively peeped her all through. It twisted my heart and everything started to fade. I was a soulless person crippled from feelings, without imagination and meaning in life. For me there was no sun at day and any stars or moon at night. I was a lost man on earth.

With age I have known little definition of life. I have learnt that life has only one goal, a goal to be happy. And I have also learnt that happiness does not come easy. Like an old man stitching a rug from his thick lens, I learnt to segregate and sieve the best I could. I have abundance of happiness in my life if I don't mention the struggle I faced to achieve those.

So many years later and today, I miss someone very dearly. I don't feel cold of frosty air, I don't feel numb in my limbs, and I don't want to check my mails. There was a similar twist in my heart and everything of the past is coming clearer.

Why do I remember her today? Why is my heart still going strong to hold her back? Why do I feel stripling a teenager again?

As I reflect on so many questions, my heart starts to tell me somewhere she is missing me terribly too!

(Going on tour with my officers from today to a place I had seen her long time back.)


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